Sometimes I forget.
Sometimes, as I walk the long halls with my head down, burdened by all the things I should have taught but didn't, and worried about all the standards I have to fit in by May, I forget.
Sometimes, when the demands of my students, my school, my district, my state invade my precious time at home, I forget.
Sometimes, after I drop my sweet cherub off at someone else's house before 7:00 in the morning, I forget.
Sometimes, when my students fail even after I have poured out all of my energy teaching them the best I know how, I forget.
Sometimes, after a long, rough day of putting out fires of disrespect, disappointment, procrastination, and competition, I forget
I forget that I prayed for this.
I forget that some of these kids need me more than I'll ever realize.
I forget that along with these tough days comes a paycheck that provides food, shelter, and clothing for my own family.
I forget that am unequivocally blessed to be in the school I'm in, to work for the administration I do, and to persevere in these trenches with the loving, caring people I see each day.
I forget that this is my calling, this is my ministry, and this is my dream-come-true.
Lord, help me remember.
Friday, March 20, 2015
Friday, July 4, 2014
A Tribute
My great aunt died this past Wednesday. She had Alzheimer's.
I guess most people don't get the chance to know their great aunts. I'm one of the lucky ones. Aunt Ella is my mom's aunt (her mom's sister). Most of my memories of her are from stopping by her house on the way to and from Virginia to see other family. Her house was at about the halfway mark of our 7-8 hour trips, so it was always a welcome sight no matter which way we were going. She always, always greeted us with open arms and a table full of good food (she and Grandma were alike in that way). My husband still fondly talks about the banana pudding she made that had strawberries in it instead of bananas on the only trip he got to meet her. As young kids she would let us play in her carport and backyard so we could get out all the wiggles that inevitably get stored up in a young person on long car rides. As older kids, she would regale us with stories of her childhood with Grandma and stories of her own children's younger days, especially ones with their cousin, Renee' (my mom). In my mind she kind of became a substitute grandmother when my own grandma died, even though we didn't get to see her much. She forever had a warm heart, a warm smile, a warm hug, and some warm food ready and waiting. No trip to Virginia will ever be the same again.
As horrible as it sounds, I am somewhat relieved I didn't get to interact with her as much in her later days as Alzheimer's took its toll. I know how devastating it can be to watch someone slowly lose their grasp on reality and their own identity. This way I can selfishly keep her preserved in my own heart and memory as the great Aunt Ella she always was.
Here's to you, Aunt Ella. *Raises water bottle full of Gatorade* I wish I could ride all three days for you this year; but know that on July 18 every pedal stroke to Newberry is for you.
We'll miss you.
I guess most people don't get the chance to know their great aunts. I'm one of the lucky ones. Aunt Ella is my mom's aunt (her mom's sister). Most of my memories of her are from stopping by her house on the way to and from Virginia to see other family. Her house was at about the halfway mark of our 7-8 hour trips, so it was always a welcome sight no matter which way we were going. She always, always greeted us with open arms and a table full of good food (she and Grandma were alike in that way). My husband still fondly talks about the banana pudding she made that had strawberries in it instead of bananas on the only trip he got to meet her. As young kids she would let us play in her carport and backyard so we could get out all the wiggles that inevitably get stored up in a young person on long car rides. As older kids, she would regale us with stories of her childhood with Grandma and stories of her own children's younger days, especially ones with their cousin, Renee' (my mom). In my mind she kind of became a substitute grandmother when my own grandma died, even though we didn't get to see her much. She forever had a warm heart, a warm smile, a warm hug, and some warm food ready and waiting. No trip to Virginia will ever be the same again.
As horrible as it sounds, I am somewhat relieved I didn't get to interact with her as much in her later days as Alzheimer's took its toll. I know how devastating it can be to watch someone slowly lose their grasp on reality and their own identity. This way I can selfishly keep her preserved in my own heart and memory as the great Aunt Ella she always was.
Here's to you, Aunt Ella. *Raises water bottle full of Gatorade* I wish I could ride all three days for you this year; but know that on July 18 every pedal stroke to Newberry is for you.
We'll miss you.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Love/Hate
I love cycling! That is a fact. However, there are certain parts about cycling that I don't love, that are annoying, that are dangerous, that make it difficult. Know that as I list these, they in no way are enough to dissuade me from continuing my passion; but they are worth noting.
TOP FIVE ANNOYING THINGS ABOUT RIDING A BIKE
(In a very specific non-order)
1. IMPATIENT MOTORISTS - Though I've chosen not to put these lists in any particular order, I admit that this is definitely number 1 for this top five. I thought about labeling it "Crazy Drivers," but in my experience, all the craziness really boils down to impatience. Cyclists who can't ride at or above the speed limit are obvious intrusions upon motorists' sacred schedule and thereby their patience. So it only makes sense to zoom past a cyclist with about a foot's worth of clearance playing chicken with the oncoming car in the other lane and shout obscenities at the cyclist as they fly past. Then, since precious seconds were lost endangering the lives of their fellow human beings (and woodland creatures) in their rush, these impatient drivers have no choice but to run the stop sign at the end of the road while angrily honking their horn at anyone who gets in their way.
Granted, that was all a bit of an exaggeration for one situation, but I have experienced each and every one of those actions at one point or another in my short cycling career. I wish my passion didn't have to include such an unnecessary dangerous aspect, but it's there. And I'm afraid it will always be there.
2. GEAR - One thing I love about running is that you can lace up your tennis shoes and just go. That isn't really the case with cycling. First of all, you have to have a bicycle and that bicycle works much better when it's in good condition. So, you have to keep it well maintenanced. Then you have to have a helmet because, let's face it, there are crazy drivers out there. These are the two basic essentials needed for bike riding... but there's so much more! If you're committed to the sport, you'll also need...
-gloves to protect your hands from blisters and the shock from hard bumps
-sunglasses (for obvious reasons)
-LOOK pedals for increased power
-road shoes to fit those pedals
-padded cycling shorts (for that sore bum)
-a jersey to match the shorts, with pockets in the back to store the essentials
-cyclocomputer to keep track of how far you've gone, how fast you're going, how many calories you've burned, etc.
-tire repair kit - flats happen
-water bottles - stay hydrated!
I could probably keep adding stuff to this list, but you get the picture. Sometimes it's like packing for vacation just to go on a bike ride.
3. TRAFFIC LIGHTS - I only consider these annoying because a) it is difficult to stop and go again quickly on a bike and b) bicycles are obviously not heavy enough to trip the sensor to make the light change. I often feel very awkward standing at a light with my bike, waiting on a car to come "rescue" me.
4. THE "BONK" - Long distance cyclists will inevitably experience this "fun" phenomenon. A "bonk" happens when a rider has gone 80 miles (or some other comparable long distance) and still has about 20 more to the finish line, but has completely run out of fuel to get there. (You may liken it somewhat to a sugar crash.) You are suddenly completely void of energy, no amount of water revives you, it takes extreme effort to get your legs to turn the pedals, and you lose all hope of ever getting out alive. That's the bonk. It's terrible.
5. DOGS - Don't get me wrong, I love animals. But dogs chasing me is one of my least favorite parts about riding. I'm always afraid the big ones are going to bite me (and they sure try) or that I'm going to run over the little ones and hurt us both. I've learned which roads along my routes have dogs roaming free and I am careful to avoid them.
Whew. Glad I got that off my chest.
5. DOGS - Don't get me wrong, I love animals. But dogs chasing me is one of my least favorite parts about riding. I'm always afraid the big ones are going to bite me (and they sure try) or that I'm going to run over the little ones and hurt us both. I've learned which roads along my routes have dogs roaming free and I am careful to avoid them.
Whew. Glad I got that off my chest.
Full Disclosure
I realize that I presented cycling in its very best light in my last post, and I don't want anyone to go away thinking it's only always easy cruising with sunshine and flowers. Just like with any good thing, there are pros and cons. Allow me to take a moment to shed a semi-humorous light on some facets of cycling with a new top five...
TOP FIVE (OR SIX) DISGUSTING THINGS ABOUT RIDING A BIKE
(Again, in no particular order)
1. ROADKILL - Those cute, sweet woodland creatures who have become your friends often, unfortunately, fall prey to their most vicious unnatural predator - the modern vehicle. If you think these flattened, furry guys are gross in a car, you should see and smell them on a slow moving bike... *gag*
2. SKUNK - If the above roadkill happens to be a dead skunk, you will not get the smell out of your nostrils for hours. Aw man... I don't even want to think about it. Ugh.
3. SNOT - Maybe it's just me, but cardio activity in general makes my nose run, and cycling is no exception. Eventually all that mucus builds up and it has to be released somehow. As it is not convenient to carry Kleenexes on a bike, the easiest way to discard extra snot is to just blow it out, which is what I do. One must simply hold down one nostril while forcefully blowing out the other side, all while coasting down the road. Yes, it's gross, but it is effective ad necessary for proper breathing. Just be careful where you aim as you go - you don't want to end up with slimy handlebars and arms. It isn't very ladylike, but "Quite frankly, my dear..."
4. BUGS - While I don't personally think that bugs are inherently disgusting (though I'm sure some people would disagree), I believe swallowing them is. I'm sure my cycling buddies can attest to this! There's nothing quite like flying down a hill, gulping down air from the effort it took to get to the top of said hill and suddenly feeling an unusual lump in the back of your throat that shouldn't be there. After you gasp, cough, and sputter, you down nearly a whole bottle of water to help move things along faster, then try not to think about it again for the rest of the ride. (You also vow to keep your mouth shut and return to that whole breathe-through-your-nose idea.)
5. PORTABLE TOILETS - One of the questions I get asked most often about my long rides is "What do you do when you have to use the bathroom?" The truth is, this problem rarely happens to me. All of the liquid I ingest during a ride is promptly used by my body to cool me off in the form of sweat. It doesn't even get the chance to reach my bladder! However, on the rare occasion that I do seek out the facilities on an official, sponsored ride, port-a-potties are often the only option. It only takes one glance inside to foster the resolution: "Nope. I can hold it."
6. SWEAT - I am adding a bonus to this list in honor of my sister-in-law who, when I asked her what she would think was gross about biking, responded with "Sweat?" in question form, accompanied by a disgusted look on her face. Sure, sis, we'll go with sweat. :)
To people who aren't accustomed to spending hours in the heat, the body's natural ability to cool itself down may come as a particular inconvenience with an undesirable smell. For me, it's just part of the package - you're hot, you sweat. You work hard, you sweat. You live in South Carolina, you sweat. It is what it is. However, it is a bit disconcerting when you can press your helmet against your head and likely fill up a Coke can with the amount of liquid that drains out after a ride, or you have to ring out your jersey and shorts BEFORE you put them in the washing machine. It's like band camp all over again.
Ewwwww.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Top FIve
It is 6:15 AM as I begin to write this. I've been up for about two hours now because 2-month olds tend to get hungry in the middle of the night and ask... nay, demand your attention. However, my sweet little attention-seeker is now fast asleep again (and has been for quite some time) while I am awake enjoying my first cup of coffee, the comforting silence of the early morning, and the dozen or so fresh thoughts coursing through my mind that only caffeine and a new morning can coerce out of hiding. And one of them is "I think I'll go for a bike ride."
It is never too early for a bike ride.
It occurred to me recently that I am in the minority of most of my friends in that I still enjoy the childhood pleasure and freedom of riding my bike. Sure, as adults we often take up more maturely acceptable forms of exercise such as running or walking, yoga, or maybe even a little tennis or golf. But cycling? Psshh... that's too much trouble, too dangerous, too time-consuming, too expensive, too childish... Well, yes, it may be all of those things, but I still love it. And I want to share that love (and sometimes disgust) with others this week in a series of fun top five lists. This is partly for my amusement, partly for others' entertainment, and partly because I had too much coffee. So here goes list #1...
It is never too early for a bike ride.
It occurred to me recently that I am in the minority of most of my friends in that I still enjoy the childhood pleasure and freedom of riding my bike. Sure, as adults we often take up more maturely acceptable forms of exercise such as running or walking, yoga, or maybe even a little tennis or golf. But cycling? Psshh... that's too much trouble, too dangerous, too time-consuming, too expensive, too childish... Well, yes, it may be all of those things, but I still love it. And I want to share that love (and sometimes disgust) with others this week in a series of fun top five lists. This is partly for my amusement, partly for others' entertainment, and partly because I had too much coffee. So here goes list #1...
TOP FIVE REASONS TO RIDE A BIKE
(in no particular order)
1. ESCAPE - Hopping on a bicycle for an hour or two allows you to leave your worries behind for a little while and temporarily escape life (so to speak). What more could you ask for??
2. HEALTH/EXERCISE - This is kind of a no-brainer. Any exercise is good for you and cycling is no exception. Weekly riding will build and strengthen muscle (especially that ever-important one called the heart), improve lung capacity, and burn calories. Cycling is also much easier on the joints - no constant impact is necessary. Plus, as an added bonus, you get to sit down the whole time you're doing it!
3. SLOW DOWN - We're always in so much of a hurry these days, we rarely have time to slow down and enjoy our surroundings. Cycling allows you to do that! Those same rabbits and squirrels that annoy you in your car as you swerve to avoid them at 45 mph become your companions at 12 mph. They too are just trying to enjoy life that day and not get hit by a vehicle. What about all that beautiful plant-life that's just a colorful blur when you zoom past in your car? On a bicycle you can actually appreciate their beauty as you roll by, and even smell their earthy sweetness! And there's nothing like having a deer or a mare run alongside you as you ride (at a distance of course), or watch a hawk soar right above your head, or see your friendly Southern neighbors wave greetings to you from their front porch, or... the list could go on and on. Suffice to say - slow it down.
4. CHEAPER THAN GAS - While I personally prefer cycling for exercise and recreation, it does double well as a mode of transportation. Instead of burning fossil fuels, you burn calories! Of course this isn't especially easy to do, but it isn't impossible and it's well worth the forethought and effort. I've managed to ride to work and back a couple times and I enjoyed it thoroughly! Sometimes it's just worth seeing all the crazy looks you get from your coworkers. :)
5. FOOD - For me, it's Fig Newtons. For you it may be a Snickers bar or potato chips. Either way, riding a bike (on a constant basis, mind you) affords you the opportunity to eat a little more of those comfort foods you've been trying so hard to avoid. Just like cars need gas to fuel them and make them go, you need calories - so why not indulge a little?
*DISCLAIMER: Riding a bike does not mean you can just eat whatever you want whenever you want. An over abundance of calories can still lead to obesity, biking or not. Don't go overboard!*
Stay tuned for more fantastic top fives!
(If you do come back, you must be really bored...)
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Body Image
I signed up to run a 5k this coming Saturday, not quite two months after giving birth to my most precious blessing.
A little overambitious, perhaps.
If I said I wasn't struggling with my postpartum body, I would be blatantly lying. Wholeheartedly lying. It has been extremely difficult to watch myself go from being in the best shape of my life to the heaviest weight in my life in less than a year. Now, before every woman out there, especially moms, yells at me about what beautiful baby I now have, what an honor it is to sacrifice myself for the blessing of new life and for the honor of becoming a new mom, and how amazing it is that my body was able to house and grow a human being, know that I know all that. I know. I realize it, I believe it, and I accept it.
But I am still a human, still full of pride and selfishness.
Selfishly, I want to fit back into the clothes I could wear back in July. Selfishly, I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe. Selfishly, I want to be able to pick right back up where I left off and cycle 100 miles or run a 5k on any given day without having to think twice about it. Like any other selfish, prideful, and impatient human being, I want things to be my way right away.
Sorry, Heather. Not happening.
As my sweet sister-in-law constantly (and patiently) reminds me, it took 9 whole months for my body to stretch and accomplish the great feat of growing and nurturing a human being - it won't just pop back into place within two short months. She's right, of course. She usually is about these things.
I am being impatient. I'm expecting things from my body that it simply can't deliver. There may be some body types out there that are able to bounce back quickly and barely show signs of ever even being pregnant, but mine is not one of them. So, I kind of need to get over it and start focusing on the positive and the things that I can change instead of all those aspects that I really have no control over. I have to stop beating myself up for not being what I perceive as "perfect" or even just acceptable. So, here goes...
POSITIVE FACT #1: I have a beautiful baby boy! This fact alone should and does overshadow any and all extra baggage and stretchmarks I may have gained along the way. Rowan is definitely worth the sacrifice.
POSITIVE FACT #2: I'm not completely starting over. Obviously I'm not where I used to be in physical ability and that's frustrating. However, I'm not starting from scratch. It's kind of like riding a bike... actually, in some ways it's exactly like riding a bike. My muscles haven't forgotten what to do or how to work hard - they just haven't had the opportunity to do so in awhile. The truth is, I am already a better runner now, after pregnancy, than I was when I first started running. I could barely eek out a mile and a half then. Right now I am confident in my ability to complete a 5k in some form or fashion, though there may be some aches and pains along the way. It's very hard to be angry with legs that will stick it out and go 3.2 miles after a 9 month hiatus or legs that can push me 11 miles on a bicycle after such a long break without too many troubles. When I first started biking, I couldn't make it to the end of my road without getting overheated and sick. Eleven miles would have been a big deal then!
POSITIVE FACT #3: Time is on my side. Whereas I am rushing myself to be better as soon as possible, there's really no need. Like I mentioned before, it took 9 months to stretch to this point, so I should give myself at least 9 more months to get back in shape. At least. I don't mean I'm giving myself permission to slack off, but I am giving myself room to be patient.
POSITIVE FACT #4: God loves me, no matter what. There's really no need to expound on this point.
So maybe over the summer I'll stay away from the scale and mirrors so I can't and won't berate myself for not living up to my ridiculously high expectations. Maybe I can return to running and biking once again for the simple love of each sport and not for the necessity of burning as many calories as possible. Maybe I will concentrate on celebrating my accomplishments along the way, both big and small. Maybe this Saturday I can be happy to just complete the 5k and not worry about the time it takes me to do it. Maybe I can train myself to be comfortable in my own skin. .
It will take time; but it will be worth it.
A little overambitious, perhaps.
If I said I wasn't struggling with my postpartum body, I would be blatantly lying. Wholeheartedly lying. It has been extremely difficult to watch myself go from being in the best shape of my life to the heaviest weight in my life in less than a year. Now, before every woman out there, especially moms, yells at me about what beautiful baby I now have, what an honor it is to sacrifice myself for the blessing of new life and for the honor of becoming a new mom, and how amazing it is that my body was able to house and grow a human being, know that I know all that. I know. I realize it, I believe it, and I accept it.
But I am still a human, still full of pride and selfishness.
Selfishly, I want to fit back into the clothes I could wear back in July. Selfishly, I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe. Selfishly, I want to be able to pick right back up where I left off and cycle 100 miles or run a 5k on any given day without having to think twice about it. Like any other selfish, prideful, and impatient human being, I want things to be my way right away.
Sorry, Heather. Not happening.
As my sweet sister-in-law constantly (and patiently) reminds me, it took 9 whole months for my body to stretch and accomplish the great feat of growing and nurturing a human being - it won't just pop back into place within two short months. She's right, of course. She usually is about these things.
I am being impatient. I'm expecting things from my body that it simply can't deliver. There may be some body types out there that are able to bounce back quickly and barely show signs of ever even being pregnant, but mine is not one of them. So, I kind of need to get over it and start focusing on the positive and the things that I can change instead of all those aspects that I really have no control over. I have to stop beating myself up for not being what I perceive as "perfect" or even just acceptable. So, here goes...
POSITIVE FACT #1: I have a beautiful baby boy! This fact alone should and does overshadow any and all extra baggage and stretchmarks I may have gained along the way. Rowan is definitely worth the sacrifice.
POSITIVE FACT #2: I'm not completely starting over. Obviously I'm not where I used to be in physical ability and that's frustrating. However, I'm not starting from scratch. It's kind of like riding a bike... actually, in some ways it's exactly like riding a bike. My muscles haven't forgotten what to do or how to work hard - they just haven't had the opportunity to do so in awhile. The truth is, I am already a better runner now, after pregnancy, than I was when I first started running. I could barely eek out a mile and a half then. Right now I am confident in my ability to complete a 5k in some form or fashion, though there may be some aches and pains along the way. It's very hard to be angry with legs that will stick it out and go 3.2 miles after a 9 month hiatus or legs that can push me 11 miles on a bicycle after such a long break without too many troubles. When I first started biking, I couldn't make it to the end of my road without getting overheated and sick. Eleven miles would have been a big deal then!
POSITIVE FACT #3: Time is on my side. Whereas I am rushing myself to be better as soon as possible, there's really no need. Like I mentioned before, it took 9 months to stretch to this point, so I should give myself at least 9 more months to get back in shape. At least. I don't mean I'm giving myself permission to slack off, but I am giving myself room to be patient.
POSITIVE FACT #4: God loves me, no matter what. There's really no need to expound on this point.
So maybe over the summer I'll stay away from the scale and mirrors so I can't and won't berate myself for not living up to my ridiculously high expectations. Maybe I can return to running and biking once again for the simple love of each sport and not for the necessity of burning as many calories as possible. Maybe I will concentrate on celebrating my accomplishments along the way, both big and small. Maybe this Saturday I can be happy to just complete the 5k and not worry about the time it takes me to do it. Maybe I can train myself to be comfortable in my own skin. .
It will take time; but it will be worth it.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
WOW Upside Down...
Warning: This blog has nothing to do with bicycles or 5ks. It is instead the groanings and thoughts of a warm, heavy heart.
Mommy. Mother. Mom.
It is an esteemed title I have aspired for my whole life, sometimes unknowingly, often unadmittedly, and in recent years, most ardently. I suppose many women yearn for that sacred rite-of-passage, that unique opportunity to give up everything for the sake of another, to feel such love for another human being that you think your heart really could burst.
Kind of like how Christ feels about us, huh?
I recently became a member of this prestigious club that I always used to watch in awe from a distance. It has been the most gratifying, terrifying, overwhelming, worthwhile job I have ever undertaken. My perspective and outlook on life has been completely turned upside down. Things that used to be of utmost importance to me now seem ridiculously trivial. Things I used to consider menial tasks such as changing a diaper or searching high and low for a beloved pacifier now give me great pleasure (within reason) as another opportunity to sacrifice myself just a little more out of pure, unconditional love. Suddenly, I want time to slow down to a crawl lest I miss even one second of growth, of newly discovered abilities, of innocent joy. My life and my interests have now taken a backseat to the tiny ten pound bundle of possibilities who now occupies my mind and heart constantly.
Mommy.
He can't say it yet, but miraculously he knows who I am. He has known me from the very beginning. He is the only person who has heard my heartbeat from the inside and I am the first person to have felt him try out his new muscles. I have been his mommy from the start and he has always been my baby.
It's interesting how this bond occurs. No scientist can truly, accurately explain it. It will remain one of life's beautiful mysteries, only to be understood by the mother herself. It is truly love at first sight - a love that is never lost.
"A person's a person, no matter how small."
Mommy. Mother. Mom.
It is an esteemed title I have aspired for my whole life, sometimes unknowingly, often unadmittedly, and in recent years, most ardently. I suppose many women yearn for that sacred rite-of-passage, that unique opportunity to give up everything for the sake of another, to feel such love for another human being that you think your heart really could burst.
Kind of like how Christ feels about us, huh?
I recently became a member of this prestigious club that I always used to watch in awe from a distance. It has been the most gratifying, terrifying, overwhelming, worthwhile job I have ever undertaken. My perspective and outlook on life has been completely turned upside down. Things that used to be of utmost importance to me now seem ridiculously trivial. Things I used to consider menial tasks such as changing a diaper or searching high and low for a beloved pacifier now give me great pleasure (within reason) as another opportunity to sacrifice myself just a little more out of pure, unconditional love. Suddenly, I want time to slow down to a crawl lest I miss even one second of growth, of newly discovered abilities, of innocent joy. My life and my interests have now taken a backseat to the tiny ten pound bundle of possibilities who now occupies my mind and heart constantly.
Mommy.
He can't say it yet, but miraculously he knows who I am. He has known me from the very beginning. He is the only person who has heard my heartbeat from the inside and I am the first person to have felt him try out his new muscles. I have been his mommy from the start and he has always been my baby.
It's interesting how this bond occurs. No scientist can truly, accurately explain it. It will remain one of life's beautiful mysteries, only to be understood by the mother herself. It is truly love at first sight - a love that is never lost.
"A person's a person, no matter how small."
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