Body Image

I signed up to run a 5k this coming Saturday, not quite two months after giving birth to my most precious blessing.

A little overambitious, perhaps.

If I said I wasn't struggling with my postpartum body, I would be blatantly lying.  Wholeheartedly lying.  It has been extremely difficult to watch myself go from being in the best shape of my life to the heaviest weight in my life in less than a year.  Now, before every woman out there, especially moms, yells at me about what beautiful baby I now have, what an honor it is to sacrifice myself for the blessing of new life and for the honor of becoming a new mom, and how amazing it is that my body was able to house and grow a human being, know that I know all that. I know.  I realize it, I believe it, and I accept it.

But I am still a human, still full of pride and selfishness.

Selfishly, I want to fit back into the clothes I could wear back in July.  Selfishly, I don't want to buy a whole new wardrobe.  Selfishly, I want to be able to pick right back up where I left off and cycle 100 miles or run a 5k on any given day without having to think twice about it.  Like any other selfish, prideful, and impatient human being, I want things to be my way right away.

Sorry, Heather.  Not happening.

As my sweet sister-in-law constantly (and patiently) reminds me, it took 9 whole months for my body to stretch and accomplish the great feat of growing and nurturing a human being - it won't just pop back into place within two short months.  She's right, of course.  She usually is about these things.

I am being impatient.  I'm expecting things from my body that it simply can't deliver.  There may be some body types out there that are able to bounce back quickly and barely show signs of ever even being pregnant, but mine is not one of them.  So, I kind of need to get over it and start focusing on the positive and the things that I can change instead of all those aspects that I really have no control over.  I have to stop beating myself up for not being what I perceive as "perfect" or even just acceptable.  So, here goes...

POSITIVE FACT #1:  I have a beautiful baby boy!  This fact alone should and does overshadow any and all extra baggage and stretchmarks I may have gained along the way.  Rowan is definitely worth the sacrifice.

POSITIVE FACT #2:  I'm not completely starting over.  Obviously I'm not where I used to be in physical ability and that's frustrating.  However, I'm not starting from scratch.  It's kind of like riding a bike... actually, in some ways it's exactly like riding a bike.  My muscles haven't forgotten what to do or how to work hard - they just haven't had the opportunity to do so in awhile.  The truth is, I am already a better runner now, after pregnancy, than I was when I first started running.  I could barely eek out a mile and a half then.  Right now I am confident in my ability to complete a 5k in some form or fashion, though there may be some aches and pains along the way.  It's very hard to be angry with legs that will stick it out and go 3.2 miles after a 9 month hiatus or legs that can push me 11 miles on a bicycle after such a long break without too many troubles.  When I first started biking, I couldn't make it to the end of my road without getting overheated and sick.  Eleven miles would have been a big deal then!

POSITIVE FACT #3:  Time is on my side.  Whereas I am rushing myself to be better as soon as possible, there's really no need.  Like I mentioned before, it took 9 months to stretch to this point, so I should give myself at least 9 more months to get back in shape.  At least.  I don't mean I'm giving myself permission to slack off, but I am giving myself room to be patient.

POSITIVE FACT #4:  God loves me, no matter what.  There's really no need to expound on this point.

So maybe over the summer I'll stay away from the scale and mirrors so I can't and won't berate myself for not living up to my ridiculously high expectations.  Maybe I can return to running and biking once again for the simple love of each sport and not for the necessity of burning as many calories as possible.  Maybe I will concentrate on celebrating my accomplishments along the way, both big and small.  Maybe this Saturday I can be happy to just complete the 5k and not worry about the time it takes me to do it.  Maybe I can train myself to be comfortable in my own skin.  .

It will take time; but it will be worth it.

WOW Upside Down...

Warning: This blog has nothing to do with bicycles or 5ks.  It is instead the groanings and thoughts of a warm, heavy heart.

Mommy.  Mother.  Mom.

It is an esteemed title I have aspired for my whole life, sometimes unknowingly, often unadmittedly, and in recent years, most ardently.  I suppose many women yearn for that sacred rite-of-passage, that unique opportunity to give up everything for the sake of another, to feel such love for another human being that you think your heart really could burst.

Kind of like how Christ feels about us, huh?

I recently became a member of this prestigious club that I always used to watch in awe from a distance.  It has been the most gratifying, terrifying, overwhelming, worthwhile job I have ever undertaken.  My perspective and outlook on life has been completely turned upside down.  Things that used to be of utmost importance to me now seem ridiculously trivial.  Things I used to consider menial tasks such as changing a diaper or searching high and low for a beloved pacifier now give me great pleasure (within reason) as another opportunity to sacrifice myself just a little more out of pure, unconditional love.  Suddenly, I want time to slow down to a crawl lest I miss even one second of growth, of newly discovered abilities, of innocent joy.  My life and my interests have now taken a backseat to the tiny ten pound bundle of possibilities who now occupies my mind and heart constantly.

Mommy.

He can't say it yet, but miraculously he knows who I am.  He has known me from the very beginning.  He is the only person who has heard my heartbeat from the inside and I am the first person to have felt him try out his new muscles.  I have been his mommy from the start and he has always been my baby.

It's interesting how this bond occurs.  No scientist can truly, accurately explain it.  It will remain one of life's beautiful mysteries, only to be understood by the mother herself.  It is truly love at first sight - a love that is never lost.

"A person's a person, no matter how small."